It is really hard to process that is has been 2 years since Levins went to Heaven. It honestly feels like it happened yesterday. A lot of life has happened in the past 2 years. I took a break from writing down my thoughts on here. Main reason is I had a lot of things I needed to work on. I have tried to invest all my time into becoming a better husband, father and man. There are so many things I wish I could change. I promised Levins that I would tell her story. Good news with faith is I know her story never ended.
The pain of losing a child is something I can not explain nor do I wish on anyone. I still find myself scanning the soccer fields trying to make sure I don't see her running across the field. That constant feeling of where she is and making sure she is safe is always in my head.
I keep thinking one day I will wake up and this dream of her being gone will be over. I know that is not going to be the case. I hope and pray that one day I will see her again in Heaven.
Before being a parent I did not really understand how much children change you as a person. Levins changed me forever. I was scared to death when I found out she was going to have an extra chromosome. I was selfish. I was wrong. I have so much guilt for thinking that way. How selfish of me. Little did I know what was in store for me. Levins journey here on Earth was not an easy one. Not easy for any of us at times. The not seeing Cullie for longer than 10 minutes a day several weeks a year was tough. But it made our marriage stronger. We don't overlook the times we spend together now. If God asked me if I would do it again. If I could have 4 more years of chaos, I would sign up in a heartbeat.
Levins story did not end on 10/29/19 I can assure you. This place I write down my thoughts may change a little. I think there are ways this may help a Dad in need. I can assure you I have been very close to the bottom. Everyday is one day closer to the top.
A lot has happened in the past 2 years. Rett and LJ have grown so much, They both are wonderful daughters that I am so proud to be their "Daddy". They both remind me of Levins in different ways. I will say they are the most loving and caring girls I have ever know. They love so hard and fight just as hard. Both are traits Levins had. I know that having Levins as a sister has taught them to love unconditionally. I can assure you they will be a big part of this story.
Cullie and I have always wanted a larger family. 4 children was always on our list. I being the realist sometimes was not sure how we were going to afford it but I knew we would figure it out. God blessed our family with a son "Joey" on 3/29/21. We are so excited that God choose us to be his parents. I will admit I really struggled when I found out we were pregnant. I had this fear that Levins would think we were trying to replace her. Which was not that case but I really struggled with that. I felt like I should have been so excited I was having my first son but I had mixed emotions. I broke down crying at a Deacons meeting at church. It brought back so many things to my head. I can tell you one thing Levins definitely had a lot to do with picking Joey out. It's impossible not to see Levins in Joey. They have the same hair and pale skin. I sometimes find myself looking at him and thinking its her. He has Levins huge smile. He can smile with his entire face. He loves hard and brightens everyone's day like his big sis. We love him so much.
One of the biggest struggles I go through daily is questioning all my decisions the week leading up to Levins going to Heaven. I question that morning a lot. It only took me 22 months to finally text Cullie and talk about it. Cullie has always been the Mom and nurse of the family. I put Levins in my truck that morning and drove her to the hospital. I question if that was the right decision or if I should have called an Ambulance. I had no idea what was going to happen 30 minutes later. I have nightmares about did I ask them to suction her lungs? Did I do everything I could? Honestly I struggle daily thinking I let Levins and Cullie down. That is something I work on hourly. Cullie of course told me she loved me and I never let her down.
I miss her so much. There honestly is not a minute that goes by that I do not think about her. I struggle not knowing what she looks like right now. How tall would she be? We were so close to getting her feeding tube taken out. How would school be now for her? I yearn for the day to hear her say "Dada" again. I know Jesus loves listening to "Any Man of Mine" on repeat.
Please when you get home hug your children hard. Tell them you love them. CRY with them. Show them that is ok. Love them hard. Fight for them. Pick them up when they fall. I fall a lot these days but I am lucky enough to have an angel that picks me up.
I do know I will see her again. I am mad she isn't here but I am jealous of where she is.
I love you sweet girl. I promise I will make you proud.
