Like I said this scares me to DEATH! I just feel that there are a lot of things that I can say that may help someone else who is going through similar things in life. I am not saying that after you read the blog that you are going to find the cure for cancer, how to run a two minute mile (like I said too much beer and wings around here), and how to be the best husband (I am in no way anywhere close), I just think learning from other people is always a good way to start tackling anything in life.
I keep thinking how in the world are you going to start explaining all the things that are going on in your life right now and how are you going to share all the joys and heart ache we have had in our marriage. Like I said I am awful in English but Flashback is all I can think about. I am very scatter brained. My mind is constantly racing and thinking about different things all the time. I am going to go ahead and apologize for me skipping all over the place. Let's start at the beginning.
5-22-2010
I still remember this day like it was yesterday. I remember waking up with a little head ache. I admit I may have had a few too many drinks the night before. Weddings are great in general, but your wedding is crazy. It was really surreal because everyone was there for Cullie and I. We are both people who generally do not like a lot of attention drawn to us but for a wedding we had a blast.
I remember getting ready with my Dad and him telling me how proud he was of me. He has always given me great advice. I have looked up to him my whole life and always told myself if I could be half the Father he is to me, then my children will be very lucky. I met my Mom after we got ready and shed a few happy tears (You will learn I am an emotional guy but I am ok with it). I remember waiting in the Church for all the pre wedding pictures. I remember all my buddies coming up to me joking and saying truck is full of gas we can still leave. I remember walking my Mom down the aisle to her seat before the wedding started. I remember watching all of our friends and family come in as groomsmen and brides maids. I remember my Dad standing next to me as my best man. Then I remember the moment I laid eyes on HER.
The reception was a blast. Family from all over the country came into Cullie's small home town. My family is from out west so it was nice to see them in our Southern element.
Honeymoon was unreal. We went to Couple's Sans Souci in Ocho's Rio's, Jamaica (Highly recommend them. and I promise I am making no money saying I recommend it). Marriage so far is unreal. We thought then, and still do think, all we need is love.
Bear with me I promise the purpose of this blog is coming.
The Next Logical Step
The next step in the cycle of life is lets have babies!! Wow, I immediately had a panic attack. Me a parent? Do they have manuals for this?
Let's just say when a woman has baby fever, you better get ready. I open up to the idea and think why not. I see several people out and about that I wonder about if they have the proper qualifications to take care of them selves much less another human being. So we dive into the idea of trying to become parents. Lets preface this I am a Man (we all know that now), so I think 2 or 3 month's of "trying" (that is a way for women to talk to their friends about sex but not really talk about it). You know what I am ok with "trying" I tell Cullie.
I may be off a couple month's but I am pretty sure we got pregnant right away. We took 20 pregnancy test I think. I had to see everyone just to make sure they were real. I am pretty sure I peed on one myself just to make sure they could give negative readings. We were PREGNANT! As a Man this is an exciting time but will also scare you to death (like writing a blog jk).
Cullie then called the Doctor and set up an appointment at her OBGYN. We went in a couple days later. They confirmed the results we were going to have a baby. It was a relief as a Man, I knew then that I actually had swimmers. We later set up another appointment to see the baby for the first time.
The Doctor then shows us the side door of the office to run to our car to head to the hospital. Cullie is an emotional wreck at this point which is to be expected. I am trying to hold it all together. We head to the hospital and all I can say is we are going to get through this. I keep telling her how much I lover her. We call both our families. I lost it talking to my mom (Lori) and her mom (Annie). Her parents tell me they are on the way. They live outside of Charlotte and we lived outside of Raleigh, which was roughly 3 hours away.
Hardest Day of My Life
We get to the hospital and they check us in. The lady behind the desk immediately asks for insurance information. I want to throw her across the room for asking for that at that particular moment. We then go into triage room. Another person then comes by and asking about insurance and how we will be paying for everything (we have/had insurance). That right now is the least of my worried. The doctor just told me we are losing out child and their is risk for my wife to die from internal bleeding but this guy wants to know how I am paying.
We finally get up to the surgery floor and Cullie gets prepped for surgery. I will never forget seeing those nurses and doctors come and set her up with IV's. I told her I loved her and prayed that we would see each other soon. They then wheeled her off.
Let's just say I lost it outside the surgery waiting room. I have never felt so alone. My reason for living had just been pulled into the operating room. She was going through so much pain inside and out and there was nothing I can do about it. That was my rock bottom at that point in life.
As I finally get it together I move to sit in the waiting room. Randomly I look up and see Cullie's cousin (SG) walking in. We did not tell any extended family we were pregnant but I was so glad someone called her to come see us. She helped make the time go by and let me know there was someone else there for us. Thirty minute later her parents for there. I was constantly talking to my parents. My Dad would call me and tell me to be strong. He would always let me know that I needed to be there for Cullie.
Finally we got to see the Doctor and she said everything went well and she would be sent to recovery.
Recovery at the hospital only last a couple days but recovery in life from something like that take months and years. I always have considered myself a Christian. God and I got a lot closer those months following her surgery. God and argued. I am being honest in saying that. I would drive home from the hospital and yell and cry. Why was he doing this to us. Why did she have to go through this. I learned on that ride home that I was not in control. God is and will always be in control. He had a plan for us and I needed to trust in him.
New Day
We had several up and down days, months, even hours after losing our baby. We lost a Fallopian tube with her surgery. It took us a while to pregnant. We were going on around a year before we decided to get testing done. If anyone reading this has had an Ecptopic pregnancy, talk to your Doctor about an HSG. Check this website out as it explains it a lot better than I ever would.
http://www.advancedfertility.com/hsg.htm
My parents who are both in the medical field recommended this test. We took the test and found out the our other tube was not blocked. This was a huge sigh of relief. We knew we could get pregnant, now it was just waiting for God's plan.
We ended up getting pregnant again a little over a month later. It was the greatest thing in the world seeing Cullie's face light up when she showed me the pregnancy tests. We called and scheduled our doctors appointments and waited.
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