Middleman

I think one of my biggest fears in the process is myself. I have been scared since Levins was born with complications and Down Syndrome of how I was going to be as a Father. One million things go through my mind. I often thought, "Am I going to be able to do this, but God will help me." I know that is selfish, but I am being real in saying that. I was scared. I tried to act like I had it all together but I didn't. I had no idea what we were getting into.

We went to a therapeutic horse riders show this past weekend. We have good friends who have a beautiful daughter who has cerebral palsy. She is another child that changed my life for the better. I have always looked up to parents of children with special needs and watching her family daily has given me a lot of strength. Each of our stories are different, but we can feed off one another. While at the show I saw children with different disabilities. One thing I saw a lot of was smiles, excitement and proud parents. There were children there that were told they would not make it out the NICU when they were born. It puts things in perspective when I think about who I look up to in life.

Our lives now have a lot of highs and lows. We were off oxygen for a week or so. It was amazing seeing Levins without oxygen on. She is so beautiful and I was so happy for her. She smiled just as big. It was sad seeing that she had a tan line where her tube was. It was just a reminder of how far she has come. She currently is getting over a cold which has increased her oxygen requirements. In a nut shell means she is back on oxygen. I know it is only for a small time, but I can not wait to take the oxygen back off.

I can say this and really mean it... Down Syndrome has made our family. I really mean that. It has made us better people. It has made us smile more. I do not have it all together and I never will. There will be days when I feel completely overwhelmed and question how are we going to make it through this. Levins will smile and I know it will be alright. I never wanted to be the "middleman" and be so into the moment. That is where I am now and honestly its the best place to be.

We added a new addition to the family. A cat named "Bella". I promise I am not a cat person and not sure that I ever will be. Seeing the look on Rett's face when she rounded the corner with her cat in her arms was worth it. I will admit I have already lined up where it will go when we go completely insane. It has been picked up by its tail and neck several times. I am pretty sure it used 8 of its 9 lives in the first 2 hours of meeting us. I was laughing last night at myself because Cullie was putting the girls to bed and I was sitting on the couch with a cat on my lap. Keep in mind it is an outside cat, and I didn't have the heart to listen to it whine in the laundry room. I blame Rett and Levins for turning me into a complete softy.

Cullie and I are coming up on our six year wedding anniversary. I look back on everything and at those moments I didn't think we were going to make it through it. I look back on the heart ache of not being able to get pregnant and the pain of knowing that there is a chance your child will not make it home from the hospital. We have never really taken the easy way through life but we appreciate things so much more. It has been a ride that God wanted us to take. It has been the longest some days and the shortest other days. I really mean it when I say I would not change anything. We have two beautiful, smart and loving girls. We have a dog and a cat. It's crazy how many thing we have to be thankful for these days.

Life is crazy busy, but we are living in the moment. Continue to pray for our girls. They amaze us daily. Pray for Cullie and her strength. Pray that I will wake up everyday and be the stable yet emotional guy I am these days. I encourage you to take Levins' advice and smile a little more. It is honestly the easiest way to make your day a little better!

Time Machine

My Dad always told me how time flies. I never really understood it. When you are young, you are always in a hurry to get to the next stage. I feel like I have been rushing to the next stage my whole life. I will be honest and say I wish the days were longer. I feel like our girls are so big now. They each are doing so many new things. I know it has been a while since I posted last. We have been really busy and I needed to take a break. I needed to sit back and watch more. I needed to be there more often and not trying to do to many things. I promise I will get better about keeping everyone up to date on Levins and Rett.

Levins is doing really well. She is still the sweetest little girl I know. Her smile can melt anyone's heart. She has been doing very well in speech therapy and physical therapy. Her attitude on life is something I envy. I still find myself looking at her scars and she seems to know. It is almost surreal. She will look at me and smile really big. I guess it is her way of telling me she is ok. She is getting big. It is crazy to think that she is going to be 8 months old in May.

One of the scariest things for all parents is watching their children grow up. I know ours are a long way from being grown ups but it is still bitter sweet seeing each of them going through each stage. Rett and I have been spending time riding around the neighborhood on the golf cart. She can sit on my lap now and steer. I promise I do not drive fast with her on it. It is crazy to think that she is old enough now to be able to do that. We ride and she talks to me about her day or wants to know who lives in each house. She normally talks me into stopping by the park for "5 minutes." We were there today and an older boy was playing. It amazed Rett that he was there without his Mama and Daddy. I guess what got to me the most is she didn't need me there to play with her. He was there and she was perfectly content talking with him the entire time. She even tried to invite him on a golf cart ride. I do understand that I have my hands full with her. She can talk to a brick wall and is a gorgeous little girl. I wanted to call in a time machine. I wanted to go back 2 years where all she wanted to do was have me help her up the stairs and help her down the small slide. It was definitely a bitter sweet moment for sure.

Life around our house is crazy. Levins requires a ton of extra attention, but I can tell you God picked the right Mama. Watching Cullie on a daily basis with our girls is pretty impressive. We have always talked that we wanted her to stay home with our children eventually. With the amount of appointments we have now, she has to stay at home. That is the hardest and most important job in the world. How she keeps up with everything and wakes up every four hours is insane. I know that she would not have it any other way. People have always told me that God chooses special people for extra special children. I can tell you he knew what he was doing with her. Our girls are blessed to learn from such a strong woman.

If you are reading this because you found out during pregnancy that your child is going to be blessed with Down Syndrome, do know that is a great ride. It is a ride that I would have never thought we would be going down. It is a ride that I would not change for the world. Rett is going to be a better person because of Levins. She is going to understand people better than most. She already understands things most adults do not understand. Levins is a blessing to many. Your journey will not be easy. Sometimes you will want to quit. Sometimes you will take a shower because you need to cry. Sometimes you smile uncontrollably because you know Levins knows who you are. Sometimes you will want to take her pain away. Do know that he or she will make you the proudest Daddy in the world.

While I work I get to meet a lot of people. I often have the opportunity to listen to someone's story while we are riding around or when I am stopping by to introduce myself. It is always neat to hear stories of how someone with Down Syndrome changed their life. I do not go around with a sign on my back that says Levins has DS, but normally the conversation gets to family and I always show pictures of our girls. It is pretty neat being able to share things about my family and our faith. Some people are amazed that I woke up at 4:00 am to make an 8:00 am meeting in Savannah. Once they dig a little bit into our family they understand. I am humbled how many people want to know about Levins. Having her in our lives has shown me how good people can be.

One thing Levins has taught me is to smile more. It is free and honestly is not hard to do. Smile more! I promise it will make your days better. Who knows, you may make someone else's day better. I do not take things for granted anymore. Things like swallowing are such a big deal. Pray for Levins that she will continue to grow and smile. Pray for Rett as we conquer potty training! Pray that she will continue to have our priceless talks on the golf cart. Pray for Cullie and her strength. Pray for me.

I will leave everyone with a timeout conversation with Rett.

We had a timeout stint in Cullie's car the other night. Rett was screaming and crying and throwing a typical three year old tantrum. She finally calmed down and I told her we needed to talk.

Me "Rett, you are going to have to understand that Daddy and Mama are in charge."
Rett immediately starts balling crying. "But Daddy I want to be in charge!!!"
Me "No, Rett. One day when you have babies you can be in charge and until then we are in charge."
Rett crying "But Daddy I have a lot of babies at home!!"
Me "No, those are your toy babies."
Rett after a long pause "But Daddy God told me I was in charge."
Me "I have nothing else to say."

She pulled that card alright. I was excited she referenced God, but was not excited that she thought she was still in charge. We had the same small argument for at least a week. She would randomly walk up to me and ask "Can I please be in charge?"