Middleman

I think one of my biggest fears in the process is myself. I have been scared since Levins was born with complications and Down Syndrome of how I was going to be as a Father. One million things go through my mind. I often thought, "Am I going to be able to do this, but God will help me." I know that is selfish, but I am being real in saying that. I was scared. I tried to act like I had it all together but I didn't. I had no idea what we were getting into.

We went to a therapeutic horse riders show this past weekend. We have good friends who have a beautiful daughter who has cerebral palsy. She is another child that changed my life for the better. I have always looked up to parents of children with special needs and watching her family daily has given me a lot of strength. Each of our stories are different, but we can feed off one another. While at the show I saw children with different disabilities. One thing I saw a lot of was smiles, excitement and proud parents. There were children there that were told they would not make it out the NICU when they were born. It puts things in perspective when I think about who I look up to in life.

Our lives now have a lot of highs and lows. We were off oxygen for a week or so. It was amazing seeing Levins without oxygen on. She is so beautiful and I was so happy for her. She smiled just as big. It was sad seeing that she had a tan line where her tube was. It was just a reminder of how far she has come. She currently is getting over a cold which has increased her oxygen requirements. In a nut shell means she is back on oxygen. I know it is only for a small time, but I can not wait to take the oxygen back off.

I can say this and really mean it... Down Syndrome has made our family. I really mean that. It has made us better people. It has made us smile more. I do not have it all together and I never will. There will be days when I feel completely overwhelmed and question how are we going to make it through this. Levins will smile and I know it will be alright. I never wanted to be the "middleman" and be so into the moment. That is where I am now and honestly its the best place to be.

We added a new addition to the family. A cat named "Bella". I promise I am not a cat person and not sure that I ever will be. Seeing the look on Rett's face when she rounded the corner with her cat in her arms was worth it. I will admit I have already lined up where it will go when we go completely insane. It has been picked up by its tail and neck several times. I am pretty sure it used 8 of its 9 lives in the first 2 hours of meeting us. I was laughing last night at myself because Cullie was putting the girls to bed and I was sitting on the couch with a cat on my lap. Keep in mind it is an outside cat, and I didn't have the heart to listen to it whine in the laundry room. I blame Rett and Levins for turning me into a complete softy.

Cullie and I are coming up on our six year wedding anniversary. I look back on everything and at those moments I didn't think we were going to make it through it. I look back on the heart ache of not being able to get pregnant and the pain of knowing that there is a chance your child will not make it home from the hospital. We have never really taken the easy way through life but we appreciate things so much more. It has been a ride that God wanted us to take. It has been the longest some days and the shortest other days. I really mean it when I say I would not change anything. We have two beautiful, smart and loving girls. We have a dog and a cat. It's crazy how many thing we have to be thankful for these days.

Life is crazy busy, but we are living in the moment. Continue to pray for our girls. They amaze us daily. Pray for Cullie and her strength. Pray that I will wake up everyday and be the stable yet emotional guy I am these days. I encourage you to take Levins' advice and smile a little more. It is honestly the easiest way to make your day a little better!