Rollercoaster

We had another dark room visit a couple days ago. It never gets old seeing the ultrasound wand lay on Cullie's baby bump and see Levins immediately. Nothing has really changed since our last ultrasound. The amniotic fluid was "generous" just like before, but it was not at a level were it needed to be drained. Levins is still growing at a great rate. She is measuring right on track, which is great news! We did find out that she is definitely going to have to have some form of surgery on her throat/stomach issues. That was not something we wanted to hear or were prepared to hear. I think we kind of thought it was just going to be something that could be stretched or fixed easily. Rather than me try to explain it all here is a link to what we think is going on.

http://pedsurg.ucsf.edu/conditions--procedures/esophageal-atresia.aspx

Yep that bomb was dropped on us. I think what scares me the most is that she will be in the hospital for several weeks after. That is something no parents wants to hear. I want her to be home screaming at 3am. I want to have the stress of how am I going to function at work with no sleep. I want her in our home. I have to admit something. I am very excited about meeting her for the first time, but it really stresses me out. It stresses me out because I feel like it is not going to be the same. I am not sure when we will be able to hold her and see her finally realize who has been talking so loud for so long. I do know one thing we are not going to leave her side.

I feel like we are living the emotional roller coaster known as life in a short time. I do know that God talked to me today. He talked to me about all the good things we have to look forward to with Levins. I know that we are blessed to have the opportunity to hold her soon. The medical team is trying to make sure that we have the rest of our lives to hold her. It is all going to be the same. She will be screaming at 3 am but it will be at the hospital with me laying by her side. I know I keep saying this, but she is a fighter. She amazes me everyday. I need to remember to thank God for the opportunity to look after her while she is down here hanging out with us. I can't wait to hear that scream.

Scared

I am really going out of my comfort zone now. Marriage in general can be a very humbling experience. I think that is how God planned it to be. My marriage is unreal. Do not get me wrong we have good days and bad days but we stay to the core values of our marriage. Becoming a father is very humbling. We all joke and say that we come in last but honestly it is the truth. We are the provider, the fixer and the rock. We are running in the building when it is on fire not sitting on the outside watching.

I am SCARED. I admit I am. I am scared of the fact that I am responsible for 3 beautiful girls (Cullie, Rett and Levins. If you were wondering ;) ). That is a huge resposibility. I was laying on the couch the other night. Rett was asleep and Cullie was taking a bath. I sat there and realized life was getting close to changing. It has changed since we found out we were pregnant but as a father you do not really grasp it until you see your child. I think its normal to be scared. Some may disagree, but some may also run from it. I do not think of the runners as Fathers. If you are wondering, yes I will tell them that too. I am scared of the fact that God chose me to father Levins. Am I going to be able to handle everything she may need? I panic all the time about whether I will be able to provide for her. If she has DS will I be there when she needs me? I am not saying I am a runner by any means. Because that is one thing that will never be an option. What I mean is while I have the means to make sure she has everything she needs.

I pray more now than I ever have. I pray that I have the strength to be a good example. I pray for my girls. I pray that all their dreams come true. God is constantly challenging me. I do not mean that negatively. I think he is trying to show me how much I can truly handle. Not going to lie every once in a while I would like an easy thing to come our way, but I know he is guiding me.

I am scared for the day Levins is born. Not that I am scared to meet her. I can not wait to see her but I am scared for her throat issues. I am scared because I am not sure how I will handle seeing my child struggle. I know what I am going to do. I am going to pray. It's hard to let every thing go and trust but in the case that's all I can do. I am scared that I am going to need to be the rock. I know that Cullie is going to need me. She is going to need me to be there for her and let her know it is going to be ok. That is tough. It's tough because I do not do well seeing her upset.

I promised God I would trust him. I promised him that I would be the rock. I am not scared anymore. I am not scared of what tommorow may bring. Will it be stressfull? Heck yes it will be, but we will take one minute at a time. My plans for retiring when I am 30 may be shot but 80 sounds good too.

I can tell you one thing...my Dad did not raise a runner.

Pep Talk

I think most people understand what a pep talk is. I remember several coaches in my life giving me pep talks before big games. Our pep talks these days are a little different. Life is crazy with a 2 year old. Adult conversations generally happen in the truck on the way somewhere or at night. Last night was a great night for Cullie and I.  We sat on the couch and talked about Levins. We discussed how each of us were doing and how we were handling it. We have a great support system around us. I encourage anyone who may be going through this to include their families and close friends. It is great knowing that we are not alone.

We now live in Cullie's hometown, which is great. We have the majority of her immediate family within 10 minutes of us. We hang out with everyone a lot. My parents and I talk daily (I admit multiple times a day). Our sisters and brothers are always in contact with us. Family is a huge part of our lives and is the glue that holds us together. We laugh a lot at each others expense. We always have someone to talk too. It is not something that we discuss all the time, but if it is brought up everyone is there to listen. The nice part about family is everyone is going through this together.

I have always been someone who likes to have a good time. I think a lot of people miss out on the opportunities just because they are parents. Summer has become my favorite time of year. I admit I drink beer and bourbon. It is not something that I drink to the point of being incoherent but I do think having a couple drinks at night is fine. We are very blessed to be living in the house and neighborhood we are currently residing in. All the Dads and sometimes Mamas will come outside after the children are asleep. We generally sit in one another's driveway and laugh. This has helped me out a lot. I do not think any of them understand how much I enjoy hanging out with them. The stress of keeping up with several things through out the day can be tough. Sitting out there making fun of one another's truck choice or why the others grass is dead is a lot of fun.

I guess my main reason for writing this post is to let everyone know support is around. I do not sit around and talk about the potential of Levins having DS. If I needed to vent everyone would listen. It is nice to have a support system of family and friends around. This time in our lives is very stressful. I look at the mailbox everyday and see a new medical bill. I pray and ask God for guidance. Finances can make or break a person. Finances can change daily. Fight with the insurance companies. Do not let it ruin your day or years. I live for the phone calls with my parents, the making fun of my brother in laws or riding the golf cart around the neighborhood. I think every person has an inner child in them, find that. Smile, laugh, cry if you need too. My favorite saying is "It takes a village to raise a child." Keep that in mind. You are never alone. Find what can help you relax.