Scared

I am really going out of my comfort zone now. Marriage in general can be a very humbling experience. I think that is how God planned it to be. My marriage is unreal. Do not get me wrong we have good days and bad days but we stay to the core values of our marriage. Becoming a father is very humbling. We all joke and say that we come in last but honestly it is the truth. We are the provider, the fixer and the rock. We are running in the building when it is on fire not sitting on the outside watching.

I am SCARED. I admit I am. I am scared of the fact that I am responsible for 3 beautiful girls (Cullie, Rett and Levins. If you were wondering ;) ). That is a huge resposibility. I was laying on the couch the other night. Rett was asleep and Cullie was taking a bath. I sat there and realized life was getting close to changing. It has changed since we found out we were pregnant but as a father you do not really grasp it until you see your child. I think its normal to be scared. Some may disagree, but some may also run from it. I do not think of the runners as Fathers. If you are wondering, yes I will tell them that too. I am scared of the fact that God chose me to father Levins. Am I going to be able to handle everything she may need? I panic all the time about whether I will be able to provide for her. If she has DS will I be there when she needs me? I am not saying I am a runner by any means. Because that is one thing that will never be an option. What I mean is while I have the means to make sure she has everything she needs.

I pray more now than I ever have. I pray that I have the strength to be a good example. I pray for my girls. I pray that all their dreams come true. God is constantly challenging me. I do not mean that negatively. I think he is trying to show me how much I can truly handle. Not going to lie every once in a while I would like an easy thing to come our way, but I know he is guiding me.

I am scared for the day Levins is born. Not that I am scared to meet her. I can not wait to see her but I am scared for her throat issues. I am scared because I am not sure how I will handle seeing my child struggle. I know what I am going to do. I am going to pray. It's hard to let every thing go and trust but in the case that's all I can do. I am scared that I am going to need to be the rock. I know that Cullie is going to need me. She is going to need me to be there for her and let her know it is going to be ok. That is tough. It's tough because I do not do well seeing her upset.

I promised God I would trust him. I promised him that I would be the rock. I am not scared anymore. I am not scared of what tommorow may bring. Will it be stressfull? Heck yes it will be, but we will take one minute at a time. My plans for retiring when I am 30 may be shot but 80 sounds good too.

I can tell you one thing...my Dad did not raise a runner.