Her Time

One of the hardest things about this whole process is time. We have never had a true time table, which can be hard. The problem is no one really knows. Now that she has had her operation we can finally see the light.

It's been a crazy week. From breathing tubes slobbering out to seeing her awake. Again I will never be able to thank the nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, nurse practitioners, and the entire hospital team. It has been a stressful week seeing her on the vent.

One of the hardest things for me is not being able to fix the problems and not being there. I am always trying to think of ways to fix problems. That is how I am wired. Sometimes it gets me in trouble because I am not the best listener. I just immediately start thinking of ways to fix our problems in life. This is hard because I can not do anything. I am learning to listen and trust the team with my daughter's life.

When you are in this situation in life it requires a lot of patience and trust. Being a husband and father  requires me to provide. There are several days that I do not see Levins. That is really hard but it is something I need to do. I believe it's something my daughters need to see. I think we get lost today in things we want to do, not necessarily what we need to do. I want to be with her every minute but I need to make sure she can have the bike she wants later on. The only reason I am saying all this is to try and help the Father who is sitting next to his child and not knowing how to balance everything. It's not easy. You need to somehow get into a routine and then again fly by the seat of your pants. You are going to grow up a lot as a Father in the next days or months. Your priorities will change. They change with most Fathers in general, but when your child can't be home with you, they are a little different. Your cherish the twenty minutes you can be at the hospital before going to work. You cherish seeing her wake up and look into your eyes. You cherish the opportunity to provide for her. I will never say that the way Cullie and I are handling life right now is perfect. It works for us. Find what works for you. Find time to be at home with your other children and wife. Listen, listen, listen. Every person in your family is in pain.

I think we are in a good spot right now. We still do not know when she will be home, but I can see the light. God only gives us things we can handle and he has made me a better Husband and Father through this time. It's a process and sometimes I questioned the process. I know it is never good to question but it has helped me mature during this time. God knows when she will be ready to come home with us. Levins I am sure has an idea when the time will be. I would not change a thing we have been through. Every time I walk in the nursery all the pain goes away. Having Levins in our life has been amazing. I wish I could take her pain away, but I know she is on road to recovery.

Pray for our family this week. Christmas is coming up and we all won't be together. We are going to enjoy our time together and will enjoy our time in the nursery. Hug your babies and hold them tight. Never take a moment for granted.