Pain

I'll be honest I thought I knew what pain felt like before Levins was born. I didn't. Being a Daddy you do not want any of your family members to hurt, but I can't stop it now. That's the pain I feel right now.

I felt like we were having a great day. I knew this day was going to be tough. I tried to be the happy Kyle all day. I had it all planned out. Cullie was getting discharged today and I was going to stay with Levins and watch over her. Cullie needed to go home and see Rett. She misses her Mama and they needed some time watching shows. Mimi and Auntie were coming to see Levins and I was going to head home for the night. Annie and Pop were going to eat pizza at our house for supper. I had it all planned in my head. I even stopped by Publix to pick up some beer.

I saw a random number pop up calling my phone. I ignored it and then the same number called Cullie's phone. I answered and got a text from Mimi saying they want to take her to surgery for the button feeding system. I don't know how I thought I would feel when I knew she was going in to surgery. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. We both lost it. We loaded up in the car and flew back to the hospital.

I will admit, I am a wreck right now. The pain is much worse that I thought it was going to be. I hurt for the physical pain Levins is in. I hurt for the emotional pain the love of my life is in. I hurt for Rett who sees us fly out of the house in tears. Being strong is next to impossible right now.

I keep praying. I keep saying Philipians 4:13 over and over in my head.

She made it out and we are waiting to see her. Her stomach is only the size of one cc of fluid. They are going to take a balloon and start stretching her stomach. There is a small leak in her stomach which means they will not be able to feed her until Monday. The surgeon also said the spacing between the stomach and esophagus is around 7 to 8 spine lengths. He said that is a large gap. Good news is there is a good piece of esophagus to attach once they get close to her stomach. He did say it's going to take time. The word time keeps coming up.

Having children can be painful. All the emotional pain from this will go away when we see her again.  I find my strength now in Levins. I never thought I could learn so much from an infant, but I was wrong. I can't wait to see those pretty eyes look up at me. I know she is wondering why in the world does my Daddy have a mustache!