We've had a lot change in the past year. We welcomed our third (yes, I said third) little girl. Lola Jean Mounts was born 08-09-17. She came into this world a very happy and feisty girl. I would not have thought it would be any different. Some of my buddies ask me all the time, "How is it to have 3?" Or I get the response, "Once you have 2, 3 is not that different." They lied.... But, I honestly would not change it for the world. I really did not think children could argue when they could not talk, but again I was wrong. I also didn't realize that a 3 year old and 1 year old child could make a 5 year old so mad.
Lola Jean is 100% Cullie’s twin. They look alike and act just alike. It’s really almost scary. I kid and say I only signed up for 1 Cullie.
I was talking to Rett the other night and she brought up what happens if someone is mean to Levins. That really has been a fear of mine. I am worried about how I will react. Will I drop the gloves and go like a wild animal? Or will I remember that they do not know what they are saying? Rett’s response was “Daddy, I am going to knock them down.”
I started writing this post over a year ago. I am going to attempt to use a few posts that I started just to catch everyone up on the past two years.
Rett and Lola Jean are great sisters to Levins. Rett has always been the mother type to them both. That does not mean they do not fight. They fight all the time. Levins and Lola Jean know how to push her buttons. Levins would intentionally do things like move Rett’s iPad or hit the screen to just get a reaction. I would always get on her for being mean but inside I laughed.
Lola Jean and Levins were “ride or die” sisters. If you messed with one, you better watch out. They were more like twins the past year as they were very similar developmentally. One or the other was more advanced at certain things but overall pretty close. They were very similar in size too. Lola’s nickname is “Tank” or “Mess Bucket.” She is a solid child. She packs a punch on the playground. Levins was a string bean. Very lanky looking. A lot of that was due to her esophageal atresia, but she would crush some yogurts and fruit squeezies throughout the day. Lola just eats whatever is in sight all day. Her favorite word is “snack.”
Both girls talk about Levie a good amount. Rett is always telling stories about her sister. That’s her way of coping. The first couple days she figured out how to airdrop from her iPad to whoever was at our house. She sent hundreds of pictures to everyone. She had a story for every picture. It was hard because everything was so fresh to us but that was her way of coping. She is seeing her counselor at school whenever needed, which has been a big help. At first Cullie and I struggled because Rett didn’t really want to talk to us about it. We found out that is natural as long as she is talking to someone. Lola Jean is 2 now. She still says things about Levins. When she hears a baby cry on TV she will say, "Levie is awake." As we were riding through the car wash, she said, “Levie is in Heaven Daddy.”
It honestly feels really weird at home. We are used to chaos all the time. We normally run the zone defense around the house. Man to man just doesn’t feel right. I really don’t think we want it to feel right. I know one day we will ease into our new normal. Our main focus has not changed, which is our marriage and kids.
I will say if you are reading this and going through a similar time in life my only advice is to talk to each other. It is very important to let the other one know how you are doing. Everyone processes things differently. Cullie and I have tough moments together and at different times. You also become very hyper sensitive about certain things. The normal small disagreements can be huge. You have to be aware of how each of you is feeling. Trust me, we are no experts on this. This is not something anyone can ever plan for, but you have to talk.
I am struggling with several different things. I didn’t cry the other day. It made me feel horrible. I really beat myself up over that. I know I shouldn’t have but I did. I still thought about Lev every minute but didn’t have the crazy emotion. This too can be a normal thing.
I went to Lev’s grave the other day. I’ll admit I was not ready for it. I felt bad that I had not visited her. I know she is not there but that is the last place her shell was placed.
A few of my dreams have been odd lately. I am dreaming about the things Cullie worried about everyday. Is she cold? Is she hungry? Does her tube need to be changed? I know she is not any of these things now that she is with Jesus. I think it’s something that I am struggling to let go of. She doesn’t need me anymore. She is where we all strive to be. Rett and I decided she is eating steak in Heaven. That’s Rett’s favorite meal and we know Lev can eat whatever she wants in Heaven.
My nightmares have not been as frequent the past couple nights. I think that has a lot to do with being exhausted. I have fought sleep since she went to Heaven. I am trying to think of good times with her before I fall asleep every night.
I have been listening to several Podcasts while driving around for work. Some from people who have been through horrible things and how they got through the stress. Several military veterans (not saying I have been through anything similar) talk about how they get through nightmares and stress. Many have said medicine was what they used initially and it somewhat put their issues in the closet. I am not saying I will not use medicine at some point if I need to. I just think it’s important to learn from others. Several of them have said talking about the events and struggles have helped the most. This blog is therapy for me. I am talking about it with tons of people every post. It is a real humbling time to let people know you are vulnerable. If you see me at the gym or in the garage working out at crazy times or crazy amounts, I am trying to wear myself out. It is also a place I feel closer to her. She fought everyday to walk and do things physically. It’s my way of feeling what she went through daily.
Please continue to pray for my family. We are all struggling. It’s hard to think about anything else right now. Thanksgiving is next week. It’s the first major event that Lev won’t be with us. It’s going to be tough but we are going to make the most of it. We will be with family and good friends. We will hug because that’s what Lev would do. I’ll probably cry a few times but she probably would have too. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us. I can assure you we feel every one of them.
No comments:
Post a Comment