I honestly used to think 9-9-15 was the scariest day of my life. I didn’t know how our life would be. How was I going to be as a father to Levins. Could I handle the load? Could I be there when she needed me? Could I do it?

This blog was intended to hopefully save the life of a child with DS one day. It was going to show the joys of life with a child who was blessed with an extra chromosome. It eventually will get back to that I promise. We have a lot to share on the 4 years of love we were blessed with. But I am going to continue to try to be real. I think that’s important. Our story took a very hard turn 10-29-19. I hope that one day this will help someone who is going through something similar.

The biggest nightmare you can have as a parent is losing a child. Honestly it feels like your entire heart is ripped out of your chest. Every minute is a struggle. Cullie and I talk a bunch. Whether it is talking in person or via text when I am riding around for work. I don’t care how we talk as long as we are talking. I am being honest in saying every morning is a struggle to get up. I feel like I am in a constant dream which is a nightmare.

There are several stages to grieving. I am on a roller coaster between all stages. I process problems differently than some. I try not to dwell on the issue but just constantly try to find the solution. This is something I can never fix. I constantly replay that day over in my head. What if I did this? What if I did that? The challenging part of that is nothing will change the outcome. That is hard to swallow. I know in my heart that we did everything we possibly could to keep Levins with us for 4 years. We fought hard. I fought hard that day. But I question if it was enough. Should I have done something different?

I know you are thinking you can’t think that way. I’ll be honest in saying don’t tell me how to think. That’s real. That is the stage I am in. That is how I am processing everything. Will I stop this eventually? I hope so.

I am constantly replaying the last moment Levins was with us in my arms. I want that moment back so bad. I want her in my truck saying “Dada” or “luv you.” I miss her voice. Little things that I will never have again here on Earth. I want to dance in the kitchen and sing with the windows down. I want to roll down the windows and play toot noises so she laughs.

I struggle with the moments of when Cullie got to the hospital. I honestly can’t even talk about it. Hearing my wife scream is something I can’t get out of my head. I am the Daddy and I am supposed to be able to protect my family.

God and I have had a crazy relationship during my life. I feel like I have argued with him more recently than thanked him. But the crazy thing is he understands what I am going through. He lost a child. I think he appreciates the arguments. He knows how broken I am right now. He knows I need him more now that ever. One day I hope I have the opportunity to meet him in Heaven. I hope I can ask the questions I have. Yes I said questions. I don’t question His will but I am struggling with his timing.

Mental health is a huge issue. I focus all the time on trying to be in better physical shape. I have almost gone insane trying to wear myself out daily. The reason I do this is I don’t want to fall asleep. I am having severe nightmares. Ones that I would not wish on anyone. I am going to counseling to help me get through it. Yes, I am a man who won’t back down from anything, but I need help. I need help because my girls need me more now than ever. I can’t shove my issues in my head in a closet until I explode. I'm telling you this because it is ok to be vulnerable. It is ok to cry until you have no tears left. It is ok to say “Hey my head is not right.” I pray that the nightmares will turn into good dreams. I pray that I see Levins dancing with me in my dreams.

We have had so much outpouring of love. I wish I could send a card back to everyone that has sent my family a card. I’ll be honest I would probably have to take a second mortgage out to afford the postage. That is how many we have received. It took us a while to start opening them. Everyone of them had a hand written note. The majority of them had a story of how Levins touched their lives. Reading those made me cry and miss her. They also made me so proud. Proud of the girl she was. Proud she left that kind of an impression on everyone. As a parent that is all you can ask. You want your kids to be good people. You want them to challenge others to be better. I wish I could say I had something to do with that but I didn’t. Levins was born that way.

I am not intending for this to be a sad and feel sorry for me blog. That really is not my intention. My intention is to show you that Daddy’s have bad days. We have bad minutes. It is ok to be vulnerable. It is ok to cry. I am going through something that I wish on no person ever. I really mean that. I hope to show you that God will prevail. He will show me the way. I am not one to get preachy on anyone. One because I am not educated enough to have that conversation but I will tell you He is real. There are moments when I can feel her hugging me. I know God is with her because her arms fit all the around my body.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.         Proverbs 3:5-6